A Candid Snapshot

For the past 3 years I have wanted to start a blog.
For the past 8 months I have seriously considered it.
For the past 2 months I have been compelled to do it.

I never have, because who cares about little 'ol me? I've never been good at sharing my feelings, I prefer to hide behind "I'm fine", often even to my husband. And really I've never believed I had anything interesting to say. Well, maybe, until now.

We were married on June 18, 2011. It was the first time we were (jokingly) asked, "What are you still doing here? Go make some babies!" And it was the start of something we have gotten often ever since.
We were married young, I 18 and he just 4 days after his 20th birthday. My husband is also in the United States Army. And in the military, at least according to this article, only 16.2% of married couples do not have children.

So it isn't surprising that we are constantly getting the question "So when are YOU having kids?"... from everyone. Seriously. From our friends, coworkers, friends of our parents, church family, clients...everyone.
And I give them the usual answer of "Oh, someday!" or "Whenever God wants us to!" because it would be very 'awkward turtle' if I told them the truth...

We can't.

 

That's right. I turned 21 last month and should be in my baby-making prime, but we have been trying for 15 months now- Medically speaking, offically infertile.

People just assume that if you don't have children, you don't want them-at least not yet. They don't think about the possiblity that you aren't able to have them.

And everytime the question is raised, there is a weight in my stomach. From heartache, but also from shame.

I am ashamed because of the overwhelming jealousy I feel when a friend announces they are expecting and I cannot bring myself to celebrate for them.
In fact, I have started limiting my Facebook usage because of all the constant photos of my friend's new babies or growing bellies. And I find it hard to concentrate in church with so many young ones in service causing tears to attempt escape.

I am ashamed because my desire for children often overshadows the blessings I already have. I find myself longing for children rather than thanking God for this incredibly blessed life I live.
I have a wonderful and loving husband, two adorable dogs, a decent roof over our heads, food always stocked in our fridge, dependable income, an amazing relationship with my parents and family, an awesome church, and a relationship with Jesus! I am beyond blessed by things so many others yearn for.

I am ashamed because I am unable to do the biggest thing God created women to do-create and bring another human being into this world.
I feel like less than every other woman. I feel like I am not enough for my husband, which causes me to need to overcompensate in other areas. When I don't get the laundry or dishes done, or he comes home to a cluttered house or I don't cook dinner that night, I berate myself; "You can't even give him children like any other woman could. The least you can do is get the stupid dishes done!"

I have been trying to find a proper time and way to speak up, and I guess this is how and when.

My hope is that I will be able to speak authentically so that others will be able to understand, and to find other women going through this too. I feel like everybody is silent about this, just like I was.
But I need to know there are others who daydream about the children they should already have. Others who feel stupid for hoping again each month and then are crushed when the test says "no". Others who find themselves choking back tears in the grocery store because a child smiled at them. Others who are fighting to trust God over and again each day because "this wasn't my plan".

Others who feel like I do, because as of now, I feel utterly alone.

So I invite you to follow my journey. I will write about more than infertility. I will write about my life and thoughts-for anyone who cares. I don't know all that this blog will become, but it will be authentic.