For His Glory

"For my good and Your glory."

This is something I have written in my prayer journal that I look at every day. Its something I heard somewhere, shortly after my daughter Aralynn was born. I remember hearing it during that sweet time, where God's faithfulness was revealed, and thinking back to my years of infertility- How they ultimately brought me closer to Christ and my story was already being used to encourage those around me. My good, His glory. Amen.

But sometimes I still look at that, written on the first page of my notebook in huge letters, and think "How?". How could this possibly be for good?

As most of the nation knows, there is currently a large fire close to our town. And in the past few days its gotten worse. 

Many friends have been evacuated from their homes, and our hearts are feeling heavy. 

Besides a small sprinkling 5 days ago, we haven't seen rain since June 18. That's 2 months. Then this afternoon when my husband got home, he informed me that we are supposed to have 30mph wind tonight. I replied, "that's the exact opposite of what we need!" 

This fire feels like a very physical display of what I have been seeing in the lives of so many loved ones. Ones for whom I've been fervently praying for calm, and the flames continue to climb.

Why? Why does God sometimes send wind when we desperately need rain?

Divorce, infertility, miscarriage, illness, depression, debt, loss of home, loss of loved ones... 

It's amazing how Aralynn is 15 months old and I still so often look at her, in awe of the faithfulness of God. I remember the hopeless feeling so often felt through the years leading to her existence, because my hope was in something other than Christ. I didn't truly believe that something outside of my plan for my life could possibly bring me good, or Him glory. 

I also remember the turning point where I put my hope back in Christ and learned to call Him faithful, even if I didn't quite see it yet.

As I sit and watch this fire overtake our community, and watch parts of my loved ones lives crumbling, I pray that we continue to call Him faithful.
I hope somehow we might see how these trials bring Him glory, but my prayer tonight is that we might all continue to trust God.

The God who established all purposes at the beginning of time.

The God who created all the universe. 

The God who is sovereign over every situation.

The same God who sent his Son to suffer on the cross for our sins.

All for our good, and His glory.

"God doesn't ask us to understand, but to trust." 

-Disciplines of Godly Woman

And I'll continue to pray for rain.

"And we know that in all things God works 

for the good of those who live him, 

who have baeen called

 according to his purpose." 

Romans 8:28

Weary.

I often wonder if people understand. 

Really though, I know they don't. Who could understand any trial until they go through it themselves? When I look at the trials of others, I know I don't fully understand. 

But I guess that's part of why I started my blog. To help people understand.
And I want to tell you about the hardest part I've personally had with infertility.

It's not watching my husband with others' kids. 

He loves kids. And he is so good with them. It breaks my heart to watch, knowing how desperately he wants this too. Knowing that I will probably never be able to give that to him.

It's not other's probing questions and unsolicited "advice". 

I tried to keep in touch with one of my friends through monthly calls, but every time I'd call she would ask if I was pregnant yet. I know she just really wanted it for me. But having to say, "nope, not yet..." over and over was painful. I eventually stopped calling. Not the best solution, but I've found its what I do- distance myself. I should have said, "trust me, you won't have to ask when I am! But for now please quit asking" or something like that. But I didn't.

And people really like to tell me to "relax" or "it'll happen when you stop wanting it" or "there's always adoption" or crap like that. I'm sorry, I know you mean well but telling me to "relax"? You're telling me that my infertility-which is a medical condition- is being caused by me. What do you expect me to do? Work less? Go to the spa? Not think about it? Would you tell that to someone with other diseases like cancer? It's not like I have a cold and just need to lay low for a week until I'm better. Yes, things like stress and lack of sleep totally effect one's fertility, but at this point it's not like we're just having a hard time getting pregnant, I'm actually infertile. We've really been trying for three and a half years (minus a six month deployment in there) and we have been getting medical help, and we have been praying, and we have been doing everything we can do. Yes, even "relax".
And if there is a way to stop wanting this so much? Please, tell me how. Because the one thing I have wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a wife and mom. When I was a kid there was always a new job out there that I wanted to be, but at the top of the list was always "Mom". So, to tell me I need to stop wanting the one thing I feel so deeply rooted in my soul? To say it simply, I can't.
Adoption is a viable route to parenthood, and one that we have always wanted to take as well. But it is not the same. Adoption is not a band aid for infertility. I could never ask another person, especially one so small, to be that. It doesn't take the desire to create another human, the wonder of what my husband and I would make. Would they have his dimple, my eyes, his humor, my laugh?

Also, please don't talk to me about God's Will or Timing. I know. Really, I do. But you telling me that isn't going to help. Did anyone ever just trust God because another person told them to? Maybe, but not me. I have grown in Christ through Him growing me in my devotions and prayer. (Please don't mistake this for encouragement or other's stories. I'm strictly talking about when people say "you just have to trust God" or "it will happen in His time".)

It's not even other's seemingly continuous pregnancies. 

It's not like I expect the rest of the world to wait while we do. I would never wish that on anyone. But it doesn't mean that it is easy when I open my Facebook and BAM! Pregnancy announcement.
I've gotten better with this part. And not just in a 'I don't cry every time' kind of way, but honestly a peace, with the occasional twinge of sadness. And I really don't know if it is healing or numbness. Because in the past I've had times of both.

The hope. This is the hardest part.

When every single month you are hopeful, even when you tell yourself you shouldn't be. And then month after month, that hope is destroyed with a negative test. And year after year you get less hopeful. But even once you think you've lost hope and don't care anymore, you take a test that crushes you and reminds you that the hope was still there, deep down.

Imagine your biggest dream dying every month. Every single month.

It is a true grief. A grief without closure.

I look at other grief I've experienced, but the difference in the loss of a loved one and infertility is there isn't hope. You aren't hoping that they will come back to life. There is a closure.

But infertility doesn't have time to heal. Because give it a few weeks and you will be painfully reminded again.

It makes a person weary.

But the thing about weariness is it is a slow onset. You don't just wake up one day and are suddenly weary. You often don't even realize that you are weary, because it has happened so slowly over time that this has been normal. But next thing you know you're broken, bawling on the floor and have no clue how you got here.

So what do I do?

I can't make myself pregnant, and I can't stop hoping.

"Come to me, 

all who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

I've never given much thought to my burdens. Yes, I've prayed about them, and tried to give them to Jesus, but I've never really THOUGHT about it.

Of course he died on the cross to take our sins, but I've never thought about Him taking our burdens too.

But this verse, right here, it tells us He wants to carry our burdens. 

Because you know what makes us weary? Carrying our burdens.

But Isaiah 40:28 tells us He will not grow weary.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not grow faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint, 

and to him who has no might 

he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary, 

and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the LORD

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

I am tired.
Tired of waiting. 
Tired of wondering how much longer I will continue to wait.
Tired of hearing the same comments and "advice".
Tired of hurting.
Tired of hoping.

I am weary.

My prayer is that I can stop standing in my own way.
That I can allow myself to go to Him, the Giver of Rest, the Healer of the Brokenhearted, the Carrier of Burdens, the Restorer of Hope, and lay my burdens down.
Not to be picked up again.

This post has been edited since original publishing to reflect what I intended to say. 

For some reason when I originally published, it reverted to a draft and I didn't catch all of it.

In Christ Alone

As many of you already know, these past few weeks have been CRAZY!

We moved home to Missoula, MT a few days before Easter and Mike is officially out of the Army as of May 13th!

We had two busy weeks to try to settle in, and then left for a two week trip with my parents and little sister to the coast! (Pictures to come!) We hit Seattle, the Oregon coast and northern California, then back up through Portland. I was able to end the trip by attending a Beth Moore conference in Spokane, WA with my Mom, Aunt anId Grandma. (More to come about that!)
We got home Saturday night and had Sunday to prepare to leave again Monday morning for Libby, MT and visit my grandparents.

It has been fun to see the sights and visit family, but I am so ready to be home. And I really missed my babies since they didn't come to the coast with us. Two weeks away from them is too long!

But now begins a scary dose of reality.
We are currently living in my parents house but have no clue what we are doing now. We thought we had a plan, and then Mike actually got out and we are just not sure anymore. Every decision feels so permanent, and it is simply terrifying and extremely stressful. I know that God will provide and I have felt pretty at peace, but the past few days I have just had too much time to think about it all!
This upcoming week we are facing Mike applying to the University and us both finding jobs. Then Mike will have to make a decision on what he will major in, which has been no minor task! Finally, we need to find a place to live, because as much as I seriously love my family, we need our own place. However we would like to buy, not rent. Which brings it's own whole set of problems. So prayers would REALLY be appreciated as we are sitting at so many major decisions right now.

But what I REALLY have had rolling around in my head and wanted to write is what happened the past weekend.

The past two-three months I have been feeling so far from God. My prayer life slowly went out the window and I hadn't been doing devotions anymore. Resentment and frustration had begin to creep in and turn my heart cold.
My relationship with God had gone from something real to "what can I do to make Him give me what I want?". Everything revolving around my relationship was "maybe if I do this, He will give me a baby". God and our relationship was no longer number one, and the worst part is I didn't even realize what had happened. 

Having a baby had become my idol.

I almost didn't go to Beth Moore.
We arrived to my Grandma's house a few hours before my Aunt was coming to pick us all up. I was exhausted from our trip and all I wanted to do was take a shower and catch up on Hulu before taking an early bedtime.
However I knew how disappointed my Mom would be, and I couldn't waste $70.

But watching the video waiting for worship to start, I was in tears. It just spoke to me.
And then once the worship team took the stage, the Holy Spirit felt so thick. It was such an amazing feeling that had been several months since I felt.

Beth's speaking was good, however I just so desperately needed to feel God again through my heartache and give it all to Him. For me, the weekend was really more getting that relationship back on track.

Then came Sunday's sermon.
You know how sometimes when you are going through something and everything you hear seems to be God whispering (or screaming)? Yeah.
It was seriously so amazing, that here is the link for you to go watch yourself, if you feel so inclined.

I feel refreshed.
It is still so tempting to let my fertility take charge of my life, to try to earn my desires instead of focusing on and trusting God's plan, and to let my fertility become an idol.
But my prayer is for God to give me the faith and strength I need to focus on my relationship with Him above all else.

When We Pray

My heart has been crying out to God the past few weeks, begging Him to help me seek Him more. Chase Him stronger. Trust Him completely. I want- no, CRAVE- a deeper relationship.

 

So this Sunday's sermon totally touched me. I know, I know, it's THURSDAY. But I have a hard time sitting down to write. Anyway, we had a pastor from Raliegh come as a guest-speaker and he really reminded me of our pastor back home, only making the service more special.
His sermon was about prayer, and the four things that happen when we pray. It was just too good not to share, espeically with the peace it gave my heart, so this post is a mix of his sermon and my thoughts.

Do a quick Google search of the "most popular Bible verses", and though changing, these are always among them.

Jeremiah 29:11. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

 

Philippians 4:6. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

 

Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

 

Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."...
And Proverbs 3:6. ..."In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

These verses are all about our uncertainty and fear. They show our need to trust in God (whether we acknowlege that or not).

If you read through Psalms, you see that David struggled too.
Psalms 28:1-2: "To you, Lord, I call; you are my Rock, do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who go down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place."

David cried out to God. He felt alone and afraid and he begged God to show up (which He did).

 

A consistant prayer life (and just plain praying in general) has always been a struggle for me. As I get older, I am relieved to find that it seems to be a struggle for everyone else too. But I know that a good prayer life is incredibly important.
 

What happens when we pray?

1. Our trust in God increases.

The pastor was taking about how he struggles with what a good prayer life is even supposed to look like (Amen!). He asked a friend of his, who just so happened to write "the greatest book on prayer I've ever read" (sorry, I don't remember the name of the book!) and he was told, "just last night driving home I prayed, 'Please help me get everything I need to do done.'". Seriously? But when he got home his computer started quickly, he didn't fight with his wife, ect. and he got his tasks done.
When we trust God in the little things, and He comes through for us, we are able to trust Him in the bigger things. Praying for simple, daily things also gets us in the habit of taking EVERYTHING to God.

2. Our love for God increases.

As we talk to Him more and trust Him more, we love Him more. You wouldn't expect to grow closer and fall more in love with your spouse if you talked to them for a few minutes at dinner and as you drifted off to sleep. I don't know about you, but I text my husband throughout the day, and talk to him frequently when he gets home. We share funny stories and tell each other the infuriating things that happen. We ask each other's opinions and share our dreams and fears. We definitely get mad at each other, but even that deepens our bond. Most importantly, we talk about the the future together.
I can't imagine our marriage lasting these two and a half years if all he did was thank me for cooking dinner and then treated me like Santa, giving me his list of wants, as he fell asleep.
The more time and communication I spend with my husband, the more I fall in love with him. And the same goes with God.

3. Our relationship with God deepens.

I want that relationship with God that I described with my husband. I want to be in constant communication with Him. I want to thank Him for the things He does throughout my day, but I also want to come to Him with my concerns, hurts, and fears, regardless of how big or small. I want to tell Him my dreams and desires, even though He already knows. (He placed them there!). I want Him to be leading me, because I know that He already has a perfect plan for me.
Our relationship can't help but get deeper when we communicate with, trust and love God.

4. Our involvement in eternally significant activity increases.

The more time we spend with Christ, the more He molds us to be like Him. This effects our attitudes, desires, opinions, and the way we treat others. We think and act less like the world and more like Christ. By no means saying we become perfect or no longer sin, but we want to please our Heavenly Father.

If we don't pray, how are we supposed to know Him, not just know of him? If we don't pray, how are we supposed to love Him, truely, not as a fan but as a child? If we don't pray, how are we supposed to let Him guide our paths? If we don't pray, how are we supposed to become more like Him?

So prayer is important in our Christian walk. We all know that.
But so often I feel like David in Psalm 28:1, begging God but feeling like He doesn't hear me.

I pray for guidance for our future, but still feel confused and afraid of the next stage of our lives.
I pray for financial security, but we are still just scraping by, pay check to pay check.
I pray for a baby, but over 15 months have passed and we still haven't concieved.

I also pray for God's plan in my life. But when I don't get what I want (and quickly at that), I begin to question if God is even listening. I tend to forget that God is answering my prayers, but that answer isn't always "yes". Sometimes, it is "no". Harder still, sometimes the answer is "wait". My prayer has become "help me accept Your plan" along with, "have Your way in my life".

The guest pastor said something that I really loved. He said "troubling situations have a way of revealing your God." And that is so incredibly true. I have been asking myself lately if God is the top of my list. And honestly, I can't say that He always is. Lately I feel that material items, my husband, money, and wanting a baby have been working their way to the top. I find myself reading my Bible less, praying less, and conducting myself in a Christ-like manner less.
And I don't like it.

I am starting to turn to God with my problems instead of trying to control and solve them myself. And you know what? I'm starting to see those problems as the tools God is using to form me into the woman He has always meant for me to become. I have a peace about my problems, even though I don't see them as "solved". And I am so thankful that He is bringing me to my knees, because it is the perfect place to call out to Him.
"Cry out with all that you are in the midst of your despair." Not "shoot up a quick prayer and continue in your despair", not "surrender part of your situation in your despair", but "CRY OUT with ALL that you are in the midst of your despair."
He has a plan for my life. A plan to prosper and give me hope, and he is working everything in my life for the good of his plan. His plan isn't going to be my plan, it's going to be better. Sometimes I just need to be brought to my knees to remember that. And my knees are the perfect place to pray.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4