Four Years.

Four years is a long time.

Two dogs, three houses, one deployment, back and forth across the country, beginnings and endings of careers and all while waiting for our baby.

This October would have marked four years since we decided to expand our family.

But as most of you already know, we won't wait any longer. 

On August 29th our lives were forever changed.
In the weeks leading up, I had been testing weekly (as usual) and getting negatives. A friend had given me the tests a while back, and as it turns out, pregnancy tests CAN expire. When I noticed the expiration during the third week of testing, I felt the urge to buy a new test, just in case.
It was so hard not to get my hopes up. I've taken dozens of tests, and gotten my hopes up so many times. 
That Saturday morning I needed to go to the store to get ingredients for my slow cooker taco soup, because of course I had been too lazy to go the night before. 
So I peed in a cup and left in on my dryer, because I knew that hormones were most concentrated in the morning. Then I headed down the hill to the store to pick up groceries and a test.
After loading my groceries in my car, I was so incredibly nervous. I just KNEW it would be another negative, but I had to be sure with a non-expired test.
I sat in my car asking God to prepare my heart for the negative. 
No matter how many times you see it, or how many times you tell yourself you are being silly for hoping, a negative test is so devastating. 

When I got home I unloaded my groceries and put away my cold items.
Putting off the inevitable, I combined ingredients for my soup and started the ground beef browning. Then I went into the bathroom.
No matter how many times I've taken the test, I always read the instructions to make sure I do it right. So I performed the test and walked away. Its a lot easier than watching the thing.
I finished cooking the beef, and seasoned my soup, then put away remaining groceries. 
When I walked back in the bathroom about 15 minutes later, I was stunned to see two dark pink lines! I re-read the instructions another 3 times to make sure I was even reading the test right. And then I realized what was happening and sank to the floor, sobbing. The only thing I could say was "Thank you God", over and over.

My first reaction was to call Mike, who was at work. After two rings I realized what I was doing and hung up because I wanted to tell him in person!
However, he claimed an odd feeling about the call and immediately called me back, even though they don't usually have access to their phones.
I quickly came up with a reason for the call and ended the conversation. It was so hard.
I spent my afternoon at work, and that proved to be even harder. I wanted to tell everyone I saw, but my mind was also still spinning, trying to let it all sink in. 
The worst was I (of course) had to buy some clothes at the end of my shift, and then was getting questioned by my coworker who checked me out. Luckily I have 7 god-children that I buy presents for!

When I walked through the door, Mike was laying on the couch watching TV and our conversation went as follows:
Me: " Hey babe, sorry I'm home a little late. I got off 10 minutes late and then had to check out."
Mike: "Check out? *Exasperated* What did you buy?"
Me: "Just a few baby clothes."
Mike: "Baby clothes? *More exasperated* Why?"
Me: "Because our baby will need clothes."
Mike: (Finally turning to look at me) "What?"
Me: "For our baby. Because I'm pregnant."
(At this point he rolls off the couch and hits the floor, not so gracefully trying to stand up, and basically pins himself to the opposite wall)
Mike: "What?"
Me: "I'm pregnant."
...
...
Me: "Are you okay?" (To me, he looks terrified)
Mike: "... ... Oh my gosh."
He then runs over and grabs me, and starts bawling into my shoulder.


Once we are able to compose ourselves, I filled him in on the whole story, then showed him the clothes I had bought. I was definitely surreal for us both. 
We told my parents and little sister that night, then my best friend at church the next morning. We told Mike's best friend (whose wife also happens to be a good friend of mine) later that afternoon at the hospital, because she happened to be in labor with that 7th god-child!

Because of my PCOS, I don't ovulate regularly, and when I do it is later than an average woman. So I had no clue how far along I was. Based on my previous cycle, I was almost 9 weeks. However, in the past when I've gotten positive ovulation tests they are later, so I figured I was about 7 1/2 weeks. (I hadn't been testing this summer, work was so busy and with so much going on it was just hard to track everything. Coupled with basically giving up this spring.)

Luckily I had Monday off work, so we spent the morning trying to get a call back from the doctors so we could schedule an ultrasound to see how far along I was! 
We were finally able to be squeezed in that afternoon. We ran an errand and then headed over to the doctor's office without as much time as we'd hoped. But even after finding a parking spot we would still be 15 minutes early and headed up to the second floor. The door was locked. So we walked up and down the hall trying to figure out what was going on. We went back and saw the note posted on the door, they had moved to a new location three weeks previous. Across town. And it was 3:00 school traffic. We had 5 minutes until our appointment.
When we are late or things don't go according to plan, Mike gets frustrated. We got stuck behind a super slow car, which we finally got out from and he started to get "zoomy". So I, being the annoying wife, told him to slow down and be careful, further aggravating him.
We got to the location on the GPS and were already 10 minutes late. The only place we could find was a lawyers office. So we had to call the front desk and be placed on hold and then finally get the address. By this time Mike is VERY upset, and we race a few blocks down to the new office. As he pulls into the parking lot, he is going too fast to see the curb, and blows the front tire. We decide to deal with it later, and hurry inside, hoping they can still see us. It takes nearly 15 minutes to wait in line, and then we had to be entered into the new computer system. Luckily they were still able to get us in.

At this point I am super frustrated with Mike and incredibly nervous about the ultrasound.
They finally call my name, and we get ready. 

As she gets the machine ready, Mike was having a happy conversation with the tech, telling her how we have been trying for so many years, and how excited he is. I'm grateful that he is talking, because I'm too nervous to.
She starts performing the ultrasound, and after several minutes, my heart is pounding. 
I've never done this before, but I feel like it shouldn't take this long. 
The silence is thick.
After a few more unbearable minutes, the tech quietly says, "well, I can't seem to find anything, I'm going to take a few more pictures and we will get you over to your doctor."
I can't help it. The tears are rolling down my cheeks.(Even typing this it's making my cry).
I try not to make any noise that way my body will be still and not mess up the machine. So I close my eyes and ask God to prepare my heart and give me peace in whatever our situation was. And to please, please let my baby be okay.
The tech tells me I can get my clothes back on, and wait back in the waiting room. You can tell she feels awful.

I don't know if minutes have ever been so long as they were waiting for my doctor.
We finally get called into a room, to wait some more.
After nearly 20 minutes, my doctor comes in and gives me a hug. (She is a family friend, as my Mom was her nanny for several years, and I spent a good chunk of my childhood at her house!)
Then she sits down and gets right to business, telling me the radiologist can't find anything in my tubes, and they don't believe it is ectopic. But they also didn't find so much as a sac.
We go over the timeline again, and she thinks that our dates are more off than we think. So in her cheery way, she tells us that they will send me to the lab and we will look at my HCGs. If they are consistent with 4-5 weeks, we have nothing to worry about because the baby would be too small to see at that point. 
So we draw blood and go outside to call my parents to pick us up. (Remember the tire?)
Of course my Mom can tell something is wrong but I tell her I can't talk right now. 
It was a bad day.

The next day I had to work, and couldn't focus. I was on the brink of tears the whole time, and spent my lunch bawling and praying and reading my Bible in my car, all while hoping my doctor would call with results.
That evening she finally calls (from her home phone no less!) to tell me that the results were good. My HCG level was 430, so I probably wasn't more than 5 weeks. So much relief. 
She had me go in the next day to make sure my numbers were doubling, and they ended up being 1056, almost tripled! 

We had another ultrasound almost two weeks later, on September 17th.
This time we knew where to go and were already in the system so we didn't have to wait as long. 
So we get in the room and start the ultrasound process and she has to put the gooey stick up me again. Once again, I am so nervous.
Once again, this is taking a while. 
Then she goes, "Oh here we are! All the way on the edge of your uterus!"
And our baby comes up on the screen.
I let out the breath I had been holding since the day I got my positive test.
And started to cry. So did Mike.
She showed us where the heart was beating and took measurements to determine our due date as May 7th, 2015. (Give or take 3 days)
A bit later I looked at my chart and was able to *ahem* pin the day of conception, putting our due date at May 6th, 2015.
We got a picture of our baby, and a disc with the video of the heartbeat.
Want to see our baby's first picture?
If you've made it this far, of course you do!

That evening we posted our announcement video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKTBXpGA4xo

Two days ago, we had our first appointment, and got to see our baby again. 

Which was reassuring. Lately I was starting to feel anxious, because I haven't been experiencing many symptoms. Any nausea I do feel, is irregular and quite fleeting. 

I know every person and pregnancy is different, it is just a bit unsettling to not be "normal".

So when she brought the little machine into my room, I was again nervous. 

But our baby popped right up, and had grown so much in two weeks! He/she even was kicking their little legs around and we saw that heartbeat again.  

As you have probably picked up, I've let myself get anxious in this past month. 

Not something that suggests trust in God's plan.
But I came across this picture that first week, when worry consumed my every day.

"Worry is believing God won't get it right."

That is so true.

Because NO MATTER WHAT, God gets it right. Every time.

And I will be okay. 

Because four years is a long time.

But here I am.

God molded me more than I could have imagined.

And I am so thankful for that.

I am so thankful for my experience with infertility.

I Am a Stone Thrower

It has been a little over a year since I started this blog, and opened up to the world about my infertility. 

A LOT has happened in the past year. My husband got out of the Army, we moved back across the country, I got a new job, Mike started school and founded a new company, I was diagnosed with PCOS and started infertility treatment, Mike decided college wasn't for him and is currently in EMT training, and he is starting a new job at the end of the month.

Whew. Lots of change.
But the one of the best changes has been my outlook on this infertility business.
I have been meaning to write this post since July. It has just been swirling around in my head, enough that I had much of it typed out on my phone. But I just am a procrastinator and maybe felt a little fear of being authentic about this. 

In July I was doing a Beth Moore Bible Study through a local church. Each week we watched a video together, and one week Beth started out by saying "I am going to need you to all put your stones down." It would be talking about sexual impurity.
I thought to myself "I don't have any stones to set down."
I honestly believed it. I don't cast stones at other people's sin. I totally realize that I am not perfect and  that we all need Jesus and no sin is greater than another. 

But that line stuck with me over the next few weeks, and as I thought about it more, I realized something. I AM a stone thrower.

The first year and a half of infertility was filled with bitterness, anger, and resentment.
There were so many women announcing pregnancies. It was seemingly unceasing. 

I would see a  woman and think "really God? HER?! She hasn't wanted this as long as I have!"

or

"But she hasn't been married as long as I have!"
or

"But God, she didn't even WANT a baby!"

or 

"She probably won't be a very good mom, why her instead of me?"
But the worst was
"But God, she isn't even married!" 

I was a virgin on my wedding day. I know many will find that fact incredibly weird. But I'm so glad I waited. However if I look at my reasons why, they weren't with the best intentions. I think most of it was fear of my parents and wanting to be perfect, not at all out of a heart that wanted to honor and love God.
However I wasn't perfect. Not at all. I may not have had intercourse, but I was still sexually immoral.

But when I would see a teenager or an unmarried woman, or even a friend that WAS married but I knew had sex before marriage, I would scream "Really God?! I waited until marriage. I followed your commands. I have EARNED a baby!"

I was so incredibly entitled. I believed I deserved the blessing of a baby more than any of those other women.
I was throwing stones at those women's blessings, because of their sins which weren't for me to judge, and I didn't even realize it.

My entitlement revealed two sins that were so prevalent in my life.
One, my intent wasn't out of love and to glorify God, but that I was checking all my "religion boxes" in hopes of being blessed. And two, that I was putting my hopes in my works and all that I could do, instead of putting my hopes in the grace of Jesus Christ.

Blessings are gifts that cannot be earned. The only thing I have earned is Hell. That is what is so beautiful about the cross.

I do not know the reason God chooses to give some babies and others not, or has some wait longer than others. But I do know that I have found a deep gratefulness in this waiting period.
My relationship with God has been strengthened so much. I've found that through all the trials I've endured, that the hardest trials nourish the deepest roots of faith. I am reminded everyday that all my hope, all my dependence, all my trust is in no more than Jesus.

At some point I stumbled upon this blog post, which spoke to me. One quote in particular jumped out.

"God's promises are funny like that. 

Sometimes he shows us what he has for us and then he 

invites us in to the refining place of waiting and contending 

- not because we need to earn something 

but because He wants to stamp us with His image in those places.
There's a piece of  His heart to be found in the waiting."

There is a piece of His heart to be found in the waiting.

When I was once feeling robbed of one of the greatest blessings, I came to discover that my infertility has actually been one of the greatest blessings. 

By being broken I am in a place to be healed and molded into His image.

There are still hard days. Sometimes I still get furious with God for making me wait. But I cry out to Him, and pour out my disconcerted heart. And even that is good. The resentment comes when I try to hide myself, emotions and all, from Him. Which it is silly to try and hide anything from God, He already knows how I feel.
But the difference between me now and a year ago is I don't LIVE there. I don't dwell in the dark, bitter places anymore. When those days come I turn them back to God. I ask Him to hold me and heal me. And he does. He holds me while I grieve. And then there is peace.

I firmly believe that God has given us the trials and circumstances we have so that He my be glorified, we may be strengthened, and other may be encouraged.

Finally, I want to leave you with a few of the most encouraging verses to me.

Philippians 3:8-9 (ESV): "8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV): "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"

1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT): "6 So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. 7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire purifies gold - and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is reveled to the whole world."

James 1:2-4 (NIV): "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

New. New, New

We are so excited to finally be getting on our feet here in Missoula!

We got here a few days before Easter, over two months ago, and have still been living at my parents house. 

I love my parents. I love this house. I hate not having our own space or enough space. I hate going through the mountain of boxes in the garage whenever I need something. I hate not being able to walk around naked.

Last week I did an audition for Old Navy and then got a call back for an interview too! And as most of you know from Facebook, I got the job! First I applied to ;) I will start next week.

All month we have been looking at houses, and not having much luck. Not only did we have a $800 budget, but we also have two dogs. Even though Sophie is a service animal, we were still having a hard time finding somewhere that would accept Ranger. Everything we were finding were tiny two bedroom apartments and four-plexes, with no yard. 

We went to check out a few places, but didn't put in any applications. It was astounding how much less we got in the Missoula housing market compared to Fayetteville.
(We had a three bedroom/two bath single family home with a garage and huge yard AND in a better neighborhood- All for $795/month!)
We were feeling so discouraged that all the crappy places we were looking at already had other applications. It's hard to justify paying $30 per person just to apply to a house you really don't want, that others are already ahead of you in line for.
And then the pet deposits are ridiculous. I can understand charging a $150. $200. even $250 pet deposit. But some places were asking $800, or more!
One rental company took it even further, not only asking for a pet deposit and additional pet rent every month, but then a $50 application fee per pet (on top of the application fee for people!)! Why? Really, why? What are you going to do, run my dog's credit and criminal background?

Ridiculous.

Then one day, driving back from a friend's, we saw a "For Rent" sign in front of a duplex on 55th. So we gave a call and left a message. We were sure it would be out of our price range, since every other duplex we had called on was at LEAST $900, even on 55th. We had basically accepted our four-plex fate.

The guy called, it was a *3* bedroom, one bath with a garage and fenced yard, they accepted dogs and it was....wait for it.... $850 a month. Yes, $50 out of our price range, but I re-ran numbers and figured we could do it. Especially for everything else we were getting.

So we went to the showing, where there were already about 3 other families, and more people pouring in. We asked about the application fee-none.
We asked about the pet deposit-none.
We asked about pet rent- Only $25.
We applied.

Waiting was so terrible. They called the next night to tell us it was between us and another couple they "really liked". In the words of my dad, "Cruel."
But then this morning they called, and-you guessed it-

WE GOT IT!

We will be signing the papers this afternoon and hopefully moving a few things tonight.
But tomorrow *should* be moving day.

So please clear your calendars and come move a few boxes...

Thank you all so much for your prayers, we know that everything coming together right in the nick of time is nothing but God. We've been starting to get a tad stressed, trying to remember God's timing, only for Him to remind us that he's got this under control.

A Candid Snapshot

For the past 3 years I have wanted to start a blog.
For the past 8 months I have seriously considered it.
For the past 2 months I have been compelled to do it.

I never have, because who cares about little 'ol me? I've never been good at sharing my feelings, I prefer to hide behind "I'm fine", often even to my husband. And really I've never believed I had anything interesting to say. Well, maybe, until now.

We were married on June 18, 2011. It was the first time we were (jokingly) asked, "What are you still doing here? Go make some babies!" And it was the start of something we have gotten often ever since.
We were married young, I 18 and he just 4 days after his 20th birthday. My husband is also in the United States Army. And in the military, at least according to this article, only 16.2% of married couples do not have children.

So it isn't surprising that we are constantly getting the question "So when are YOU having kids?"... from everyone. Seriously. From our friends, coworkers, friends of our parents, church family, clients...everyone.
And I give them the usual answer of "Oh, someday!" or "Whenever God wants us to!" because it would be very 'awkward turtle' if I told them the truth...

We can't.

 

That's right. I turned 21 last month and should be in my baby-making prime, but we have been trying for 15 months now- Medically speaking, offically infertile.

People just assume that if you don't have children, you don't want them-at least not yet. They don't think about the possiblity that you aren't able to have them.

And everytime the question is raised, there is a weight in my stomach. From heartache, but also from shame.

I am ashamed because of the overwhelming jealousy I feel when a friend announces they are expecting and I cannot bring myself to celebrate for them.
In fact, I have started limiting my Facebook usage because of all the constant photos of my friend's new babies or growing bellies. And I find it hard to concentrate in church with so many young ones in service causing tears to attempt escape.

I am ashamed because my desire for children often overshadows the blessings I already have. I find myself longing for children rather than thanking God for this incredibly blessed life I live.
I have a wonderful and loving husband, two adorable dogs, a decent roof over our heads, food always stocked in our fridge, dependable income, an amazing relationship with my parents and family, an awesome church, and a relationship with Jesus! I am beyond blessed by things so many others yearn for.

I am ashamed because I am unable to do the biggest thing God created women to do-create and bring another human being into this world.
I feel like less than every other woman. I feel like I am not enough for my husband, which causes me to need to overcompensate in other areas. When I don't get the laundry or dishes done, or he comes home to a cluttered house or I don't cook dinner that night, I berate myself; "You can't even give him children like any other woman could. The least you can do is get the stupid dishes done!"

I have been trying to find a proper time and way to speak up, and I guess this is how and when.

My hope is that I will be able to speak authentically so that others will be able to understand, and to find other women going through this too. I feel like everybody is silent about this, just like I was.
But I need to know there are others who daydream about the children they should already have. Others who feel stupid for hoping again each month and then are crushed when the test says "no". Others who find themselves choking back tears in the grocery store because a child smiled at them. Others who are fighting to trust God over and again each day because "this wasn't my plan".

Others who feel like I do, because as of now, I feel utterly alone.

So I invite you to follow my journey. I will write about more than infertility. I will write about my life and thoughts-for anyone who cares. I don't know all that this blog will become, but it will be authentic.