I Am a Stone Thrower

It has been a little over a year since I started this blog, and opened up to the world about my infertility. 

A LOT has happened in the past year. My husband got out of the Army, we moved back across the country, I got a new job, Mike started school and founded a new company, I was diagnosed with PCOS and started infertility treatment, Mike decided college wasn't for him and is currently in EMT training, and he is starting a new job at the end of the month.

Whew. Lots of change.
But the one of the best changes has been my outlook on this infertility business.
I have been meaning to write this post since July. It has just been swirling around in my head, enough that I had much of it typed out on my phone. But I just am a procrastinator and maybe felt a little fear of being authentic about this. 

In July I was doing a Beth Moore Bible Study through a local church. Each week we watched a video together, and one week Beth started out by saying "I am going to need you to all put your stones down." It would be talking about sexual impurity.
I thought to myself "I don't have any stones to set down."
I honestly believed it. I don't cast stones at other people's sin. I totally realize that I am not perfect and  that we all need Jesus and no sin is greater than another. 

But that line stuck with me over the next few weeks, and as I thought about it more, I realized something. I AM a stone thrower.

The first year and a half of infertility was filled with bitterness, anger, and resentment.
There were so many women announcing pregnancies. It was seemingly unceasing. 

I would see a  woman and think "really God? HER?! She hasn't wanted this as long as I have!"

or

"But she hasn't been married as long as I have!"
or

"But God, she didn't even WANT a baby!"

or 

"She probably won't be a very good mom, why her instead of me?"
But the worst was
"But God, she isn't even married!" 

I was a virgin on my wedding day. I know many will find that fact incredibly weird. But I'm so glad I waited. However if I look at my reasons why, they weren't with the best intentions. I think most of it was fear of my parents and wanting to be perfect, not at all out of a heart that wanted to honor and love God.
However I wasn't perfect. Not at all. I may not have had intercourse, but I was still sexually immoral.

But when I would see a teenager or an unmarried woman, or even a friend that WAS married but I knew had sex before marriage, I would scream "Really God?! I waited until marriage. I followed your commands. I have EARNED a baby!"

I was so incredibly entitled. I believed I deserved the blessing of a baby more than any of those other women.
I was throwing stones at those women's blessings, because of their sins which weren't for me to judge, and I didn't even realize it.

My entitlement revealed two sins that were so prevalent in my life.
One, my intent wasn't out of love and to glorify God, but that I was checking all my "religion boxes" in hopes of being blessed. And two, that I was putting my hopes in my works and all that I could do, instead of putting my hopes in the grace of Jesus Christ.

Blessings are gifts that cannot be earned. The only thing I have earned is Hell. That is what is so beautiful about the cross.

I do not know the reason God chooses to give some babies and others not, or has some wait longer than others. But I do know that I have found a deep gratefulness in this waiting period.
My relationship with God has been strengthened so much. I've found that through all the trials I've endured, that the hardest trials nourish the deepest roots of faith. I am reminded everyday that all my hope, all my dependence, all my trust is in no more than Jesus.

At some point I stumbled upon this blog post, which spoke to me. One quote in particular jumped out.

"God's promises are funny like that. 

Sometimes he shows us what he has for us and then he 

invites us in to the refining place of waiting and contending 

- not because we need to earn something 

but because He wants to stamp us with His image in those places.
There's a piece of  His heart to be found in the waiting."

There is a piece of His heart to be found in the waiting.

When I was once feeling robbed of one of the greatest blessings, I came to discover that my infertility has actually been one of the greatest blessings. 

By being broken I am in a place to be healed and molded into His image.

There are still hard days. Sometimes I still get furious with God for making me wait. But I cry out to Him, and pour out my disconcerted heart. And even that is good. The resentment comes when I try to hide myself, emotions and all, from Him. Which it is silly to try and hide anything from God, He already knows how I feel.
But the difference between me now and a year ago is I don't LIVE there. I don't dwell in the dark, bitter places anymore. When those days come I turn them back to God. I ask Him to hold me and heal me. And he does. He holds me while I grieve. And then there is peace.

I firmly believe that God has given us the trials and circumstances we have so that He my be glorified, we may be strengthened, and other may be encouraged.

Finally, I want to leave you with a few of the most encouraging verses to me.

Philippians 3:8-9 (ESV): "8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV): "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"

1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT): "6 So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. 7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire purifies gold - and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is reveled to the whole world."

James 1:2-4 (NIV): "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."