Four years is a long time.
Two dogs, three houses, one deployment, back and forth across the country, beginnings and endings of careers and all while waiting for our baby.
This October would have marked four years since we decided to expand our family.
But as most of you already know, we won't wait any longer.
On August 29th our lives were forever changed.
In the weeks leading up, I had been testing weekly (as usual) and getting negatives. A friend had given me the tests a while back, and as it turns out, pregnancy tests CAN expire. When I noticed the expiration during the third week of testing, I felt the urge to buy a new test, just in case.
It was so hard not to get my hopes up. I've taken dozens of tests, and gotten my hopes up so many times.
That Saturday morning I needed to go to the store to get ingredients for my slow cooker taco soup, because of course I had been too lazy to go the night before.
So I peed in a cup and left in on my dryer, because I knew that hormones were most concentrated in the morning. Then I headed down the hill to the store to pick up groceries and a test.
After loading my groceries in my car, I was so incredibly nervous. I just KNEW it would be another negative, but I had to be sure with a non-expired test.
I sat in my car asking God to prepare my heart for the negative.
No matter how many times you see it, or how many times you tell yourself you are being silly for hoping, a negative test is so devastating.
When I got home I unloaded my groceries and put away my cold items.
Putting off the inevitable, I combined ingredients for my soup and started the ground beef browning. Then I went into the bathroom.
No matter how many times I've taken the test, I always read the instructions to make sure I do it right. So I performed the test and walked away. Its a lot easier than watching the thing.
I finished cooking the beef, and seasoned my soup, then put away remaining groceries.
When I walked back in the bathroom about 15 minutes later, I was stunned to see two dark pink lines! I re-read the instructions another 3 times to make sure I was even reading the test right. And then I realized what was happening and sank to the floor, sobbing. The only thing I could say was "Thank you God", over and over.
My first reaction was to call Mike, who was at work. After two rings I realized what I was doing and hung up because I wanted to tell him in person!
However, he claimed an odd feeling about the call and immediately called me back, even though they don't usually have access to their phones.
I quickly came up with a reason for the call and ended the conversation. It was so hard.
I spent my afternoon at work, and that proved to be even harder. I wanted to tell everyone I saw, but my mind was also still spinning, trying to let it all sink in.
The worst was I (of course) had to buy some clothes at the end of my shift, and then was getting questioned by my coworker who checked me out. Luckily I have 7 god-children that I buy presents for!
When I walked through the door, Mike was laying on the couch watching TV and our conversation went as follows:
Me: " Hey babe, sorry I'm home a little late. I got off 10 minutes late and then had to check out."
Mike: "Check out? *Exasperated* What did you buy?"
Me: "Just a few baby clothes."
Mike: "Baby clothes? *More exasperated* Why?"
Me: "Because our baby will need clothes."
Mike: (Finally turning to look at me) "What?"
Me: "For our baby. Because I'm pregnant."
(At this point he rolls off the couch and hits the floor, not so gracefully trying to stand up, and basically pins himself to the opposite wall)
Mike: "What?"
Me: "I'm pregnant."
...
...
Me: "Are you okay?" (To me, he looks terrified)
Mike: "... ... Oh my gosh."
He then runs over and grabs me, and starts bawling into my shoulder.
Once we are able to compose ourselves, I filled him in on the whole story, then showed him the clothes I had bought. I was definitely surreal for us both.
We told my parents and little sister that night, then my best friend at church the next morning. We told Mike's best friend (whose wife also happens to be a good friend of mine) later that afternoon at the hospital, because she happened to be in labor with that 7th god-child!
Because of my PCOS, I don't ovulate regularly, and when I do it is later than an average woman. So I had no clue how far along I was. Based on my previous cycle, I was almost 9 weeks. However, in the past when I've gotten positive ovulation tests they are later, so I figured I was about 7 1/2 weeks. (I hadn't been testing this summer, work was so busy and with so much going on it was just hard to track everything. Coupled with basically giving up this spring.)
Luckily I had Monday off work, so we spent the morning trying to get a call back from the doctors so we could schedule an ultrasound to see how far along I was!
We were finally able to be squeezed in that afternoon. We ran an errand and then headed over to the doctor's office without as much time as we'd hoped. But even after finding a parking spot we would still be 15 minutes early and headed up to the second floor. The door was locked. So we walked up and down the hall trying to figure out what was going on. We went back and saw the note posted on the door, they had moved to a new location three weeks previous. Across town. And it was 3:00 school traffic. We had 5 minutes until our appointment.
When we are late or things don't go according to plan, Mike gets frustrated. We got stuck behind a super slow car, which we finally got out from and he started to get "zoomy". So I, being the annoying wife, told him to slow down and be careful, further aggravating him.
We got to the location on the GPS and were already 10 minutes late. The only place we could find was a lawyers office. So we had to call the front desk and be placed on hold and then finally get the address. By this time Mike is VERY upset, and we race a few blocks down to the new office. As he pulls into the parking lot, he is going too fast to see the curb, and blows the front tire. We decide to deal with it later, and hurry inside, hoping they can still see us. It takes nearly 15 minutes to wait in line, and then we had to be entered into the new computer system. Luckily they were still able to get us in.
At this point I am super frustrated with Mike and incredibly nervous about the ultrasound.
They finally call my name, and we get ready.
As she gets the machine ready, Mike was having a happy conversation with the tech, telling her how we have been trying for so many years, and how excited he is. I'm grateful that he is talking, because I'm too nervous to.
She starts performing the ultrasound, and after several minutes, my heart is pounding.
I've never done this before, but I feel like it shouldn't take this long.
The silence is thick.
After a few more unbearable minutes, the tech quietly says, "well, I can't seem to find anything, I'm going to take a few more pictures and we will get you over to your doctor."
I can't help it. The tears are rolling down my cheeks.(Even typing this it's making my cry).
I try not to make any noise that way my body will be still and not mess up the machine. So I close my eyes and ask God to prepare my heart and give me peace in whatever our situation was. And to please, please let my baby be okay.
The tech tells me I can get my clothes back on, and wait back in the waiting room. You can tell she feels awful.
I don't know if minutes have ever been so long as they were waiting for my doctor.
We finally get called into a room, to wait some more.
After nearly 20 minutes, my doctor comes in and gives me a hug. (She is a family friend, as my Mom was her nanny for several years, and I spent a good chunk of my childhood at her house!)
Then she sits down and gets right to business, telling me the radiologist can't find anything in my tubes, and they don't believe it is ectopic. But they also didn't find so much as a sac.
We go over the timeline again, and she thinks that our dates are more off than we think. So in her cheery way, she tells us that they will send me to the lab and we will look at my HCGs. If they are consistent with 4-5 weeks, we have nothing to worry about because the baby would be too small to see at that point.
So we draw blood and go outside to call my parents to pick us up. (Remember the tire?)
Of course my Mom can tell something is wrong but I tell her I can't talk right now.
It was a bad day.
The next day I had to work, and couldn't focus. I was on the brink of tears the whole time, and spent my lunch bawling and praying and reading my Bible in my car, all while hoping my doctor would call with results.
That evening she finally calls (from her home phone no less!) to tell me that the results were good. My HCG level was 430, so I probably wasn't more than 5 weeks. So much relief.
She had me go in the next day to make sure my numbers were doubling, and they ended up being 1056, almost tripled!
We had another ultrasound almost two weeks later, on September 17th.
This time we knew where to go and were already in the system so we didn't have to wait as long.
So we get in the room and start the ultrasound process and she has to put the gooey stick up me again. Once again, I am so nervous.
Once again, this is taking a while.
Then she goes, "Oh here we are! All the way on the edge of your uterus!"
And our baby comes up on the screen.
I let out the breath I had been holding since the day I got my positive test.
And started to cry. So did Mike.
She showed us where the heart was beating and took measurements to determine our due date as May 7th, 2015. (Give or take 3 days)
A bit later I looked at my chart and was able to *ahem* pin the day of conception, putting our due date at May 6th, 2015.
We got a picture of our baby, and a disc with the video of the heartbeat.
Want to see our baby's first picture?
If you've made it this far, of course you do!
But I came across this picture that first week, when worry consumed my every day.
But as most of you already know, we won't wait any longer.
On August 29th our lives were forever changed.
In the weeks leading up, I had been testing weekly (as usual) and getting negatives. A friend had given me the tests a while back, and as it turns out, pregnancy tests CAN expire. When I noticed the expiration during the third week of testing, I felt the urge to buy a new test, just in case.
It was so hard not to get my hopes up. I've taken dozens of tests, and gotten my hopes up so many times.
That Saturday morning I needed to go to the store to get ingredients for my slow cooker taco soup, because of course I had been too lazy to go the night before.
So I peed in a cup and left in on my dryer, because I knew that hormones were most concentrated in the morning. Then I headed down the hill to the store to pick up groceries and a test.
After loading my groceries in my car, I was so incredibly nervous. I just KNEW it would be another negative, but I had to be sure with a non-expired test.
I sat in my car asking God to prepare my heart for the negative.
No matter how many times you see it, or how many times you tell yourself you are being silly for hoping, a negative test is so devastating.
When I got home I unloaded my groceries and put away my cold items.
Putting off the inevitable, I combined ingredients for my soup and started the ground beef browning. Then I went into the bathroom.
No matter how many times I've taken the test, I always read the instructions to make sure I do it right. So I performed the test and walked away. Its a lot easier than watching the thing.
I finished cooking the beef, and seasoned my soup, then put away remaining groceries.
When I walked back in the bathroom about 15 minutes later, I was stunned to see two dark pink lines! I re-read the instructions another 3 times to make sure I was even reading the test right. And then I realized what was happening and sank to the floor, sobbing. The only thing I could say was "Thank you God", over and over.
My first reaction was to call Mike, who was at work. After two rings I realized what I was doing and hung up because I wanted to tell him in person!
However, he claimed an odd feeling about the call and immediately called me back, even though they don't usually have access to their phones.
I quickly came up with a reason for the call and ended the conversation. It was so hard.
I spent my afternoon at work, and that proved to be even harder. I wanted to tell everyone I saw, but my mind was also still spinning, trying to let it all sink in.
The worst was I (of course) had to buy some clothes at the end of my shift, and then was getting questioned by my coworker who checked me out. Luckily I have 7 god-children that I buy presents for!
When I walked through the door, Mike was laying on the couch watching TV and our conversation went as follows:
Me: " Hey babe, sorry I'm home a little late. I got off 10 minutes late and then had to check out."
Mike: "Check out? *Exasperated* What did you buy?"
Me: "Just a few baby clothes."
Mike: "Baby clothes? *More exasperated* Why?"
Me: "Because our baby will need clothes."
Mike: (Finally turning to look at me) "What?"
Me: "For our baby. Because I'm pregnant."
(At this point he rolls off the couch and hits the floor, not so gracefully trying to stand up, and basically pins himself to the opposite wall)
Mike: "What?"
Me: "I'm pregnant."
...
...
Me: "Are you okay?" (To me, he looks terrified)
Mike: "... ... Oh my gosh."
He then runs over and grabs me, and starts bawling into my shoulder.
Once we are able to compose ourselves, I filled him in on the whole story, then showed him the clothes I had bought. I was definitely surreal for us both.
We told my parents and little sister that night, then my best friend at church the next morning. We told Mike's best friend (whose wife also happens to be a good friend of mine) later that afternoon at the hospital, because she happened to be in labor with that 7th god-child!
Because of my PCOS, I don't ovulate regularly, and when I do it is later than an average woman. So I had no clue how far along I was. Based on my previous cycle, I was almost 9 weeks. However, in the past when I've gotten positive ovulation tests they are later, so I figured I was about 7 1/2 weeks. (I hadn't been testing this summer, work was so busy and with so much going on it was just hard to track everything. Coupled with basically giving up this spring.)
Luckily I had Monday off work, so we spent the morning trying to get a call back from the doctors so we could schedule an ultrasound to see how far along I was!
We were finally able to be squeezed in that afternoon. We ran an errand and then headed over to the doctor's office without as much time as we'd hoped. But even after finding a parking spot we would still be 15 minutes early and headed up to the second floor. The door was locked. So we walked up and down the hall trying to figure out what was going on. We went back and saw the note posted on the door, they had moved to a new location three weeks previous. Across town. And it was 3:00 school traffic. We had 5 minutes until our appointment.
When we are late or things don't go according to plan, Mike gets frustrated. We got stuck behind a super slow car, which we finally got out from and he started to get "zoomy". So I, being the annoying wife, told him to slow down and be careful, further aggravating him.
We got to the location on the GPS and were already 10 minutes late. The only place we could find was a lawyers office. So we had to call the front desk and be placed on hold and then finally get the address. By this time Mike is VERY upset, and we race a few blocks down to the new office. As he pulls into the parking lot, he is going too fast to see the curb, and blows the front tire. We decide to deal with it later, and hurry inside, hoping they can still see us. It takes nearly 15 minutes to wait in line, and then we had to be entered into the new computer system. Luckily they were still able to get us in.
At this point I am super frustrated with Mike and incredibly nervous about the ultrasound.
They finally call my name, and we get ready.
As she gets the machine ready, Mike was having a happy conversation with the tech, telling her how we have been trying for so many years, and how excited he is. I'm grateful that he is talking, because I'm too nervous to.
She starts performing the ultrasound, and after several minutes, my heart is pounding.
I've never done this before, but I feel like it shouldn't take this long.
The silence is thick.
After a few more unbearable minutes, the tech quietly says, "well, I can't seem to find anything, I'm going to take a few more pictures and we will get you over to your doctor."
I can't help it. The tears are rolling down my cheeks.(Even typing this it's making my cry).
I try not to make any noise that way my body will be still and not mess up the machine. So I close my eyes and ask God to prepare my heart and give me peace in whatever our situation was. And to please, please let my baby be okay.
The tech tells me I can get my clothes back on, and wait back in the waiting room. You can tell she feels awful.
I don't know if minutes have ever been so long as they were waiting for my doctor.
We finally get called into a room, to wait some more.
After nearly 20 minutes, my doctor comes in and gives me a hug. (She is a family friend, as my Mom was her nanny for several years, and I spent a good chunk of my childhood at her house!)
Then she sits down and gets right to business, telling me the radiologist can't find anything in my tubes, and they don't believe it is ectopic. But they also didn't find so much as a sac.
We go over the timeline again, and she thinks that our dates are more off than we think. So in her cheery way, she tells us that they will send me to the lab and we will look at my HCGs. If they are consistent with 4-5 weeks, we have nothing to worry about because the baby would be too small to see at that point.
So we draw blood and go outside to call my parents to pick us up. (Remember the tire?)
Of course my Mom can tell something is wrong but I tell her I can't talk right now.
It was a bad day.
The next day I had to work, and couldn't focus. I was on the brink of tears the whole time, and spent my lunch bawling and praying and reading my Bible in my car, all while hoping my doctor would call with results.
That evening she finally calls (from her home phone no less!) to tell me that the results were good. My HCG level was 430, so I probably wasn't more than 5 weeks. So much relief.
She had me go in the next day to make sure my numbers were doubling, and they ended up being 1056, almost tripled!
We had another ultrasound almost two weeks later, on September 17th.
This time we knew where to go and were already in the system so we didn't have to wait as long.
So we get in the room and start the ultrasound process and she has to put the gooey stick up me again. Once again, I am so nervous.
Once again, this is taking a while.
Then she goes, "Oh here we are! All the way on the edge of your uterus!"
And our baby comes up on the screen.
I let out the breath I had been holding since the day I got my positive test.
And started to cry. So did Mike.
She showed us where the heart was beating and took measurements to determine our due date as May 7th, 2015. (Give or take 3 days)
A bit later I looked at my chart and was able to *ahem* pin the day of conception, putting our due date at May 6th, 2015.
We got a picture of our baby, and a disc with the video of the heartbeat.
Want to see our baby's first picture?
If you've made it this far, of course you do!
That evening we posted our announcement video:
Two days ago, we had our first appointment, and got to see our baby again.
Which was reassuring. Lately I was starting to feel anxious, because I haven't been experiencing many symptoms. Any nausea I do feel, is irregular and quite fleeting.
I know every person and pregnancy is different, it is just a bit unsettling to not be "normal".
So when she brought the little machine into my room, I was again nervous.
But our baby popped right up, and had grown so much in two weeks! He/she even was kicking their little legs around and we saw that heartbeat again.
As you have probably picked up, I've let myself get anxious in this past month.
Not something that suggests trust in God's plan.But I came across this picture that first week, when worry consumed my every day.
"Worry is believing God won't get it right."
That is so true.
Because NO MATTER WHAT, God gets it right. Every time.
And I will be okay.
Because four years is a long time.
But here I am.
God molded me more than I could have imagined.
And I am so thankful for that.
I am so thankful for my experience with infertility.
